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Like A Leech

“girl, get yo’ head outta yo’ ass and give them brothers somethin’ to look at. You kno’ you is got a fine ass that’s never suppose to be locked up? Allow a good brother to give you some and you’ll feel better in minutes”, as always, Candice was all for ‘them brothers’.

I don’t understand how after pouring my heart to her about a serious issue, all she could come up with was that (so much for friendship). Actually she was my childhood best friend till she decided to jand.

We are not so close anymore but we like to think we are and as such, we try to keep up with the sweetest gossips at all times with our slogan, ‘out of sight is not out of mind’. Thanks to all these social media platforms that provide instant chats, voice messages and video and voice calls. We don’t miss a thing.

Unlike me, Candice was more adventurous and ready for anything. (hmmmm, a lot of memories flooding in). Okay, not spilling the beans, but hey, it’s my space so I’m going to tell you about my latest escapade trying to get over Deji.

I’m here in my pyjamas hiding in the hood of my dark, smelly room. Not had my bath since Friday night and it’s a Sunday afternoon. Tomorrow I’ll go to work and pretend like everything is fine but my head is like a bucket filled with unsettled rain water.

One Saturday morning, I was working out (something I do only when I’m depressed) when this dude jogs up to me with a broad smile.

My first impression? He stunk like a skunk.  But oh my… he had a well chiseled chocolate body that shone through those streaks of sweat and lined his packs. (He had taken off his shirt because he is a heavy sweater, I think).

Well, sisters, my defenses dropped – oh don’t ask. Who would let such a fine thing slip away because of a flaw as tiny as body odour? (Did I just say that?) – I engaged him in a discourse about the various types of exercises and what part of the body they affect and how I liked anything that could make my waist region less rigid (I know; I was flirting; ladies do it; Start a suggestive conversation with a brother expecting it to lead somewhere). Well, my nose couldn’t hold on any longer so, I suggested we head over to my place just around the corner for lunch.

He must have noticed my twitching nose because he opted for the showers while I hurriedly created one of my quick food masterpieces. (Sometimes, PHCN just know how to show off sha) the parlour’s atmosphere was fair from the air condition. I walked in from the showers to see my guest watching titanic (yea, you read right! What Nigerian guy does romantic movies? Don’t answer).

Well, Mike – that’s what he said his name is – was the type of guy who showed his romantic side without fear or favor (oh yes he does).

Every corner of my house holds a spectacular imagery from the encounter. It was magical. We ended up doing dinner and then breakfast and lunch and dinner. On Wednesday Mike stopped by from work because he missed me, this time he left for work from my place and it continued for a while. It felt divine.

The jinx broke when I read one of those Facebook posts that say ‘sisters receive sense’. It dawned on me that I did not know where my Mr. Macho lived or what he did or other essential information that one needed to know when starting a relationship (What! Relationship? This was just the longest one day stand).

Then I started to contemplate how to find out without ruffling whatever we had. You know that look guys give when a girl starts trying to define things? (Yea, I got a bogus share) That’s when I started to see. This dude had taken a drawer for himself. He had his things almost everywhere; God, he had practically moved in with me (I thought that was a female thing – to stylishly move in with a man – Well what do I know?).

The society today provides an opportunity for humans to trade places. Transgender operations and all sorts of other things. Nothing is real anymore.

While he watched t.v with his feet crossed on my centre table, I stood there wondering,

‘What is the place of a man?’

‘Does the present day man know his position in a woman’s life?’

‘Does the present day woman know what position her man should occupy?’

The questions just kept pouring so, I acted on the first reasonable thought that came through.

I went crazy!

I packed his things and threw him out.

That was Friday night.

Allow me one more night to sulk people. Till next time.