General News

20 things that’d happen if Mark Zukerberg came on Nigeria’s invitation

Let’s take a look at: What would have happened if Mark Zukerberg was invited to Nigeria by President Muhammadu Buhari-led administration.

August 30, 2016 was the day Nigerians were taken by surprise. The surprise wasn’t Boko Haram bombs (kudos to Nigerian security); it wasn’t kidnap of any foreign nationals; neither was it because a bag of rice was sold for N5,000.

It was a day Facebook founder touched Nigerian soil without any pre-announcement that he’d be visiting the country.

Surprisingly he didn’t land in any of the first choices hotels in the city of Lagos, but he went straight to Yaba.

Yes, YABA!

Photo credit:facebook
Photo credit:facebook

He stormed Co-creation Hub Nigeria (CcHUB) in Yaba where he inspired Kids at a summer coding camp and entrepreneurs who come to CcHub to build and launch their apps.

“This is my first trip to sub-Sahara Africa. I’ll be meeting with developers and entrepreneurs, and learning about the startup ecosystem in Nigeria. The energy here is amazing and I’m excited to learn as much as I can,” Zukerberge writes on his facebook timeline.

He came unannounced!

“One could have taken him to be one of the Julius Berger’s site engineers in the street of Yaba,” one of my friends jokingly said while telling me the simplicity Zukerberg stands for.

The next question I had been asking myself since his visit is: What would have happened if Mark Zukerberg was invited by the Nigerian Government?

Here are the 20 things that would have happened if Nigerian Government was the one that invited Facebook founder, Mark Zukerberg

Zukerberg meets Rosemary Njoku at the Facebook Express Wi-Fi stand in Lagos.
Zukerberg meets Rosemary Njoku at the Facebook Express Wi-Fi stand in Lagos.
  1. United States Government would have issued him warnings on which and what Nigerian states and streets to visit.
  2. President Buhari doesn’t fancy committee, but he’d have set up 50-man Committee comprising the Nigeria’s Service Chiefs, his social media assistant and other stakeholders to welcome the 7th richest man in the world.
  3. Nigeria’s Information Minister, Lai Muhammed, would have taken over NTA24 to state that President Muhammadu Buhari has “invited facebook founder in order to come invest in Nigerian youths; and to support Buhari’s campaign against corruption.”

Mr. Lai Muhammad would have also stated that Zukerberg visit would generate 1,000,000 jobs for unemployed Nigerian graduates.

  1. Since his entry route would be Lagos, Governor Ambode would have also set up a committee which would have be headed by the state’s Commissioner for Information and Strategy, Mr. Steve Ayorinde.

Ayorinde also would have invited the major voices in theNigerian media industry for a press conference.

Ayorinde, being a former brilliant editor of The Punch has powerful media influence.  Cover pages of The Punch, Guardian, Vanguard, Sun, ThisDay and other major dailies would have been taken over by ads from all major ministries welcoming Zukerberg to the giant of Africa.

  1. Market women led by Iyaloja-General of Lagos State and the President General of the Market Men and Women of Nigeria, “Madam” Iyaloja Folashade Tinubu-Ojo would have lined all the major streets of Lagos, from airport road down to Alausa, Ikeja, because Governor Ambode would have loved to have an executive handshake with the youngest billionaire in the World.

In fact, that alone is enough to cause major traffic. Traffic would build up from airport road down to Iyanapaja, down to Abule-Egba to Ahmadiyyah Bus Stop to Kola Bus Stop down to TollGate to Sango Otta, Ogun State

  1. download-mark-zukerberg-video-with-nigerians-in-lagosMark Zukerberg wouldn’t have been able to freely choose where he wanted to visit. CcHUB, Yaba, wouldn’t have been lucky to play host to Zukerberg because what political influence does the founder of CcHUB, Nigeria, Bosun Tijani has? He’s “just” a Nigerian tech guy in the street of” just” Yaba, Lagos.
  2. Nigeria’s Inspector-General of Police, Mr. Ibrahim Kpotum Idris, would have had hectic meetings with his DIGs, AIGs and other top police heads on how to have a violence-free hosting. Anti-bomb squad of Nigerian Police would be dispatched to major streets Zukerberg was expected to walk on, while Police helicopters would blow a hell out of Lagosians’ ears with their static hovering and air capabilities.
  3. Considering the “class” of our guest (Zukerberg), the Chief of Defence Staff General Gabriel Olonishakin would call for meetings of other service chiefs and other top military commanders on how to further protect Nigeria against any external aggression.

The smiling but no-nonsense Chief of Army Staff, Lt.-Gen. Buratai would visit military barracks to inspire his men in 100 press-ups.

  1. Vice-Marshall Sadique Abubakar of Air Staff would have mandated his flight officers to bring down any plane that entered Nigeria’s airspace unathorised because we couldn’t afford to toil with the security of one of the most influential billionaires in the World.
  2. All our waterways would have been cleared of avengers on the directives of Admiral Ibok-Eket Ekwe Ibas because we couldn’t take chances.
  3. Kidnappers would have got time to plan, but security blocks around Zukerbeg wouldn’t give them any chance.
  4. Nigerian comedians would have packaged a special crack your ribs to make him laugh off his facebook worries. The comedy would be chaired by Ali Baba, co-supervised by AY and Basketmouth.Zukerberg-with-president-buhari
  5. A special gala nite would be organized by Nigerian female celebs which would be chaired by Omotola Ekehinde.
  6. A special Yoruba attire, Hausa attire, and Igbo attire would be given to him as he landed at Murtala Muhammed International Airport; one of which he’d be expected to wear as he tours the beautiful landscapes of Nigeria.
  7. Nigerian government would have made special arrangement for Zukerberg’s transport to Abuja. A reputable airline would have won a good contract for his transport, if all Presidential Fleet were occupied.
  8. At Abuja airport, Zukerberg would be welcomed by the following people:
  • NCC Chairman
  • Minister of Information, Lai Muhammed, who would wear a special “agbada” with his “circled” glasses
  • Chairman, House Committee on ICT
  • Chairman, Senate Committee on ICT
  • Speaker of the House of Representatives
  • Senate President, House of Senate
  • National Chairman of the ruling party, APC
  • National Troupe
  • National Women Leader of APC
  • Seun Osewa of nairaland would be on the list to welcome him considering the success of his forum in Africa.
  1. School children would line the streets of Abuja wearing shirts bearing photo of Zukerberg and Facebook.

Lai Muhammed would tell Nigerians that Zukerberg spoke with young public school children. Apparently, the kids would be children and grandchildren of Nigerian ministers

  1. Eateries that specialize in indigenous food would be invited to welcome Zukerberg through their mouth-watery aroma Nigerian delicacies
  2. Undisclosed amount of naira would be budgeted for logistics and feeding.
  3. download-live-video-MarkZukerberg-session-with-nigerian-developers-entrepreneursAfter Zukerberg’s visit, EFCC would commence corruption charges against the organizing committees. That’s when Nigerians would know that just N500,000,000 was spent on hosting Zukerberg’s visit.

Inspiration: Henry Daisi on facebook